John Sidney McCain III

I've had it with this stupid right-wing attempt to use Barack Obama's middle name as some kind of purgative. Yes, his middle name is Hussein. Big deal. Does anyone really think this makes a difference to anyone other than people who already aren't voting for him? Get over it, asses.

Meanwhile, we got John Sidney McCain III as the front runner for the Republican nomination. Yes, that's right - his name is John Sidney McCain III. That's the only way I'm going to refer to him from now on.

What with "the third"? Parents ran out of originality pretty quick in THAT family, if you ask me! Sounds pretentious, too. Too much like royalty.

Let's just take a little look at the rest of that name.

John is his first name. There's been plenty of nasty people with the name of John throughout history.

John Wayne Gacy was a serial killer and a very naughty boy indeed.

John Wilkes Booth took out one of the first Republican presidents. Not a nice guy.

John Ehrlichman was an assistant to President Nixon who took part in plotting the Watergate break-in and ended up in prison.

So, John Sidney McCain III is named after a serial killer, a secessionist, and a felon. Who cares that John Sidney McCain III was born well before two of the three people listed above became notorious? Logic has no place in this discussion! Johns have done bad things, so therefore John Sidney McCain III absolutely MUST be connected with them!

How about McCain?

There was an inmate at Alcatraz named Rufus McCain who attempted to escape and was stabbed to death. I think you had to be a bad person to end up in Alcatraz. I don't know which one he is in the photo. They all look brighter than John Sidney McCain III.

Now, what about Sidney?

I mean, c'mon! Sidney? You gotta be kiddin' me!

How can you expect ANY self-respecting American to vote for a Sidney?

Sidney is a foreign-sounding name; and sure enough, a little research turns up a plethora of Sidneys. There's literally tons of Sidneys out there!

But, after careful consideration and a long process of weeding out the majority of them, I've concluded that this one Sidney is a completely fair and balanced representation for all of them:

Sid(ney) Vicious, (aka John Simon), deceased dope-sucking member of the British punk band The Sex Pistols.

So, by the sheer inane power of name association, a vote for John Sidney McCain III is the same as voting for a serial-killing, president-murdering, Watergate-bugging, Alcatraz-escaping, dope-smoking deceased punk rocker! Why, you'd have to be MAD to ignore the obvious connections here!

Ta-da!

(Afterword: Sheesh. After trying to think like a wingnut for the last half-hour, my brain hurts. Time for a double-dose of NyQuil. I'm sure Vick's appreciates my business.)